Without Secrets

I won’t tell a man everything about me in a relationship. Nope. Yes I am literally shaking my head with my eyes closed. Meaning I don’t believe you can change my mind. Before you jump at me with questions of trust and transparency in the success of a relationship  I believe it is for the very success of the relationship that I will shut my mouth about certain aspects of my life. Oh yes indeed.Why?

Let me back up a bit. I dated a man once. I say that like sometimes I date trees just to spice things up. Lol. Anyway He was very insecure. He felt unworthy of me. Can you believe that? Anyway, I will spare you the details of that bizarre story. What I can say is that I think a part of him resented me for loving him so much. This was because he was simply too aware of how imperfect he was. He chose to regard me as someone who had no blemish and this made him struggle.

He would ask me many times “what do you see in me?” I would laugh and tell him it was his sense of humor. It was a light answer and partly true. 

I don’t think it was the answer he wanted. He would reply that I had dated better looking, more successful men than he. Sooner than later, his mean streak would take over and he would ask, “Why, are you desperate?”. This would set him off in a big way. An arguement, a wrestle session with pride and fear (that I would walk away), later, he would show up and give a half-assed apology.  I would not drag it because I saw his problem even if he didn’t. It made me want to care for him even more. As though I wanted to nurse his wounds until he could believe in himself again.  It was this way for the 8 or 9 months that we dated. 8 or 9  months because after he hurt me with his words many times, I still wanted to  go back to him after we broke up.

Love is bizarre that way. I am sure you can relate.
I realize that, the reason he was so insecure was because firstly he had a generic idea of what women are. Now most men have one generic idea about who a woman is;it may be good or bad, it may change after a bit of a struggle. But it is always there.

This man I speak of believed that every woman wanted money and ultimately would stay with lowest vermin if he had money. How low can vermin be? Never mind…

I know a part of him believed that about me. He wished he didn’t but he did. He simply didn’t trust me. I tried to be more open, I tried to share parts of myself with him. I thought it would create a bond. It made him trust me even  less.

Secondly, I shared with him stories of my past relationships. Wait,wait. Don’t say it was stupid just yet. Before we dated he had a warped idea of who I had dated. I felt forced to clarify a lot of things with him. I still can’t tell if it made things worse or better. Either way it took a toll on our relationship.

I am  probably being as generic as I accuse men of. It is not fair to say that not all men can handle a woman’s backstory well. Fast forward to present day, I have been blessed with a man who sees ME and nothing else. A man who has made it his mission to ensure that I forget any man that I may have loved. He gives me no chance to mope or think of past hurts. So yes, there are some confident good men out there who know their value; who are not daunted by your past pain or pleasures.

So I think what I am trying  to say is,ladies, your privacy matters just as much as your sharing. Knowing not be afraid of what your privacy may do to your relationship is in itself Trust. You trust your partner enough to know that he will let you come to him when you’re ready. He will let you decide what is important in your life worth sharing. He will let you have your space. 

That, for me is Trust, with and without.

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