“I am having a bad ass moment.. I am wearing tight ripped jeans. You can see my butt cheeks If you look hard enough. This motor bike is roaring beneath me and I can’t seem to stop myself. The wind is in my hair. Through the dark lenses I see their shocked faces as I screech to a halt. I can hear their whispers but I don’t give a shit. They can talk. That’s all they can do anyway. I am happy. I am free, I am powerful and I am-”
“Brrrrrrrrrrrr!!!” It was 7 am already. Sighing loudly, she shut her eyes tightly, as she reached out blindly to put off the alarm. She was desperately grasping at the mental bliss that was rapidly eluding her. She wanted to go back into her dream. Was it a dream? She wasn’t sure if she was really dreaming or they were images she willfully created in her mind. Whatever they were, that was where she wanted to stay. There, there was no pain. Just… states, ways and means she could control. She could be who she wanted to be and there was no one there to judge her.
But that world didn’t exist. She was here now…with a bad headache. She turned to the side table. She could see her reflection in the dark green empty bottle. So she turned sharply away from the image she saw before it could judge her. It was her third bottle this week.
I’m not going to cry again. It’s ok Petra, its going to be ok. You’re stronger than this. You’re not this person. You’re stronger.
But the pillows got wetter as the tears got heavier.
It had been two weeks since Ekow left home. They both agreed it was for the best. There was a lot of thinking to do. Who was she going to be from here on out? A step-mother or a divorcee? She didn’t know just yet if she was ready to walk out on her marriage. It couldn’t possibly be the breaking point. Petra wasn’t tired, she was angry. It wasn’t her fault she could not have a baby. I don’t know who’s fault this is. It certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. To live under the assumption that this pain was shared by her husband too was the only thing that had given her hope. That no matter what, they would try together. They would wait, they would experienced the joys of parenthood together when there was finally a breakthrough.
But Ekow didn’t wait. The wonder of it all… It had all been without her. He left me to deal with this all by myself. He gets to be a father… without me.
And then the tears fell again. It had been the same cycle for two weeks. She was getting no where with it.
How could she get past this unforgiveness to love a child that didn’t come from her. This child who would be here soon.
She sat still for a minute and closed her eyes… Breathe…